We can do hard things. Please come home.

Gone.


He's gone again.


My threat of "if you leave, please know you don't have to come back." It's credible to him.


Because of 2 weeks of toxic byproduct of our conversation/dialogue.


Absence. Gone. Left. Walked away. Heading out. Gone. Abandonment.

Last days, last straws

I am blown away at the shenanigans pulled in my last working days here. It's ridiculous and has me second guessing my worth and loyalty to this organization. Who does this to people? Instead wouldn't it be uplifting to all if you sent someone to their new horizon with their bags packed full of spirit and confidence to slay the next monster?


Come on people. In 10 years I've not been questioned like this. Blantly talked about behind my back or just flat out been ignored. I can't decide if its you that is the problem or if its me that will someday learn to wear my heart guarded on my sleeve.


Either way, counting down the hours isn't as exciting as it might seem. I'm on eggshells wondering what is coming next. Like I can't decide if I'm being punked or if this is really, real.


Lord help me.

Facebook - logged in today

Of the crap that is spread throughout....I was happy to see bacon fact #18 - bacon is still healthier than crystal meth.


LOL


And now back to our regularly scheduled program.

Visitation

While I am thankful for a break from lil lady, it has proven to be the toughest chore I've dealt with.
She was away lunch 10/18/15 - daycare pickup 10/21/15. I opened the gate, our eyes met, and she came running right at me. I knelt down with a lump in my throat and hugged the boogers right outta her face!


"Momma I missed you forever!" she exclaimed


"I missed you too baby. Did you have fun?" I inquired


And we ended our night with 3 books, singing, and dancing.


She's my world, my heart, and my soul. She's my daughter. She's a miracle.

Facebook Day 1

I deactivated my Facebook account today. By golly it takes two months, ten days, and thirteen hours to find the GET ME AWAY FROM YOU button!


Onward and upward. This gives folks no reason to misconstrue my words and gives me a reason to get connected with my people on another level.

Insert meme here

Looking for that meme that says.....stay or leave, but quit blocking the doorway.

Self description

I am not the easiest person myself.

HOWEVER, I'm worth a shot.

I was the divorcer and I broke up with the she-man.

So it's not like I'm at fault for those things not working out.

Which makes me sound like a snot face. :) 

It takes small things to make me happy.......doing an extra load of dishes, remembering my fav color, deciding where to eat dinner, making dinner, flowers, a coffee run.

And I'm happier spending time with you than you spending money on me.

I make my own money.

If I want big ticket items, I'm capable of buying them myself.

Ie I just bought a house.

So, now that I look extra snotty, I'll be sitting over here on the corner of bomb diggity and awesome, eating pb m&ms.

Pie Five at 11:45

4 months ago same place, same time......same table.


The butt cheeks clenched as tight as can be.


He was there, and so was I. Chalk full of anticipation that I was getting the final chop.


The finality to the wait. The finality to the broken heart. The finality was going to happen, yet I agree to meet anyway.


A quick inbox message....a little late he will be.


I show up as he drives in. I walk up he glances at me.


I wait inside and open the door for him.


He follows - something is different about his approach. Something is different in his step. Something isn't what it was just yesterday when I was finding solid ground on the fact he had no more fucks to give and I must reel in my feelings and get over the zero fucks hill.


He says he'll eat whatever I order him. So I order an all meat pizza with red sauce and he says if I get it right, he'll ask me to marry him. Short of the red sauce that should have been white sauce, I was spot on. Then he added ninety-ten things as toppers.


So we gather our food, drinks, napkins, and sit at the same table 4 months ago that ended in tears and an overwhelming sense of heart break and just feeling absolutely terrible.


Conversation is to be had. I'm so nervous I can hardly eat.


He's wearing that purple under armour shirt.


That I picked out in Los Angeles. Along with the man bag he picked out in Los Angeles. He says he gets more compliments on each than any other piece of clothing he owns.


He says he had to talk to brother Michael Poe, son Michael, son Micah, son Stone, bestie Jeremy Stone, and Cory Walker (pastor of our home church) before he could meet with me.


Oh brother, what is to come?


Turns out he has reconsidered his future. It includes Genevieve and myself. It includes working towards a marriage with me. In Vegas. March 26th. With 4 of our 6 kids.


And he has to talk to my mom......to ask for my hand in marriage.


I can't get uncold, unhurt, unworried.....I don't love him the way I loved him even 1 month ago. I love him, there is no doubt. I love what he does to my heart and soul.


Our boys are excited for us. Our families have yet to discover.


Our friends following suit....no one really knows.


And this, is okay with me. No reason to announce our future to those who aren't in it on a consistent basis.


If Pie Five at 11:45a comes again, the butt cheeks may need medical intervention to be separated.

Descriptive meme

how did you know
that you were meant
to be a healer?


because I kept
falling in love
with broken people.


then why
are you alone?


because I'm broken too
so I am falling
in love with myself
to get a taste
of my own medicine.


-kwabena foli

It was another time, and it was yesterday.

After a couple weeks of being a total bucket of suck......the fog has begun to clear, again.


I get this way, down and out, and nothing seems to satisfy my craving of knowing that I'm normal and what I'm going through is a place others have been to before.


I am thankful the fog has cleared, again.


The worst part, I know it will be a place I travel through in the future.


Break the cycle. Break the power. Break. It.


Another item on the agenda for therapy.

Away

You'll go the distance.


Your heart will mourn.


Your mind will wander.


Your heart will cry out.


You'll make amends.


You'll disconnect.


You'll find the way.


You'll find the plan.


You'll reconnect.


You'll let it go.


You'll let it in.


You'll unwind.


You'll wander.


You'll discover.


You'll, your, you're.......you will be you.


You'll be okay, in time, when you're ready, you'll be back, it's up to you.

Wanted

To my mister,


You are wanted, desired, and longed for.


You are loved more than you'll let yourself believe.


You are and were a good kid in a bad situation.


Not a bad kid in a bad situation.


The actions of those before me have been and will remain untrue, dishonest, and cruel.


The versus in your head on repeat will one day be a distant memory, when you're ready.


............when You're ready.


You are loved, wanted, desired, and longed for.


Mister, of mine.

Stunned, Stone, Scope, Scatter, Slump

Worst pain in the world.

Multiplied by about 50.


Plus all the pains of child birth.


Equals the ridiculous pain of a 1mm kidney stone.


Now, let's backup to Sunday morning when all is well and good so I think I'll get out of bed and get a shower........negative ghost rider. You'll double up in pain in the shower and be rushed to the hospital where you'll stay from 8am to 8am to 8am to 5pm and you'll do what? Jack shit but roll around in pain, cry, dry heave, and feel like donkey the entire time.


My goodness gracious I've never cried out to Jesus as much as I have since Sunday. Yes, I know, I shouldn't reach out only in times of need. Just keepin it real. The mayonnaise is thick with this one.


And to think I've had a stone that was 5.5mm.......yea, so uhm, complaints about a 1mm?


Hell to the yes.

Dinner duke

Upon leaving the public restroom at a public eating facility....


Lil lady -*grabs baby stroller and runs out towards Naynuh and son who is visiting*


"NAYNUH I POOPED I POOPED A BIG ONE"


At this point I believe I should be apologizing and getting a hot flash...maybe a red face?
Absolutely not happening. I just smile and go back to eating my dinner.


This girl, slays me.


This girl, loves beyond words.


This girl, ensures laughter is to be had every stinkin day.


This girl.

PPD/GDD/SFD....all other 3 letter words

Post partum depression
Gosh damn depression
Stupid fucking depression


If you put lipstick on a pig, it's still a pig.


If you're going through it, it stinks.


If you've gone through it, it stunk.


If you have no idea, you stink.


At any rate, lil lady continues to rock my world and as of this morning, she was my much needed laughter to get the day started.


On the way to daycare...mom is daycare even open?


Yes, sadly it is. Sadly we're coming up on a 3 day weekend and tomorrow was my chance to make it a 4 day weekend but that takes pre-planning, much to which I didn't partake.


Dang the luck.

Leader of this grasshopper pack

As of late, Lil Lady has begun to express her independence to which I am both glad and sad to watch unfold before my very eyes.


I request she do one thing or a very small list of three things to which she clearly has lost her ability to hear. So I go about my business, giving her a chance to train her brain to hear again?!


I might ask twice but my general request is, I'm not asking one more time for you to do x y z. And I walk away. Yes, I watch her out of the corner of my eye to see if she is still like yea, whatever. Or if she complies, at her own pace. Most generally its the latter. Thank goodness.


This season of life is beating me like a dead horse to PRACTICE YOUR PATIENCE, grasshopper.

Mothers Day

For whatever reason, my mothers day and my birthday were made when I said "Oh Lil Lady I love you so much." and she replied "I love you too momma." I was like yep, no gifts needed. No special time allotments for me.

That's all I needed.

But then comes yesterday when she confirmed her independence when she told me I would be okay if she went to Sunday school instead of sitting in the sanctuary with me for Sunday service.

I bawled. To which she grabs my head and buries it in her chest and says lean into me momma, it will be okay.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH

Must be a white thing

Lil lady LOVES being naked.

Naked bike riding.

Naked cooking.

Naked painting.

Naked eating.

Naked chicken feeding.

Naked pool swimming.

Naked car riding.

Naked slide sliding.

Naked porch sitting.

Naked book reading.

Naked puddle jumping.

You name it, it's probably been done by her, sans clothing.

It bothers me null and as far back as I can remember my own mom has always said PUT SOME CLOTHES ON THAT BABY. To which I generally didnt listen.

So Sunday night, dinner is ready, noo-nuls are rinsed and we trek down to the basement and out to the patio. Good male person says "I think you forgot something!" I scan the table....everyone has an eating utensil, everyone has a cupcake, dinner, drinks, napkins....and I say I think I brought everything.

Oh yea, except her clothes.

It must be a white thing. Cuz dark skinned folks don't do that.

We don't do that.

No worries, Pat

Sunday I fixed shrimp alfredo. Lil lady will consume one part of said dish, the noodles in which she refers to them as noo-nuls. At any rate, I serve her and she gets a cupcake cuz everyone else gets one. She steps down from the chair (naked, of course - I'll address this later) and spills her noo-nuls all of them on the floor and atop the noo-nuls? Her cupcake, frosting side down - because cupcakes know no other way to land. Right?

As I lean down to pick up the mess she reaches over, starts rubbing my back and says:
"No worries momma, you'll do a great job cleaning up that mess."

Now, do I laugh because she is so stinkin cute? Or do I hold all laughter and thank her for the encouragement? Yea, option 3....where I do a little of both.

Then, like a good cleaner upper, I put her noodles in the strainer to rinse them off to which her reaction was similar to what I imagine a person getting their arm shoved in a meat grinder.

Guess next time I'll serve dirty noo-nuls.

Therapy

And so it begins....again. Going back to the chair to get some hours under my belt. Yesterday I thought I wasn't normal for going back again and again since age 14. However, using my outside confirmations, I realize in my circle of closer friends, I am not alone in my time in the chair.

On another note, last night....
Naynuh: thats the stupid shit I've ever seen
Lil lady: they're an ass penis

I tell you what, this girl, she makes me laugh even when it's so wrong. I've gotten better about not laughing but sometimes it takes everything I have!

We enjoyed the Royals game last night....lots of people watching, clapping, dancing, and yelling at the vendor guys who couldn't hear her or see her little hand waving at them. She enjoyed it.......and the three trips to the potty.

Upon waking this morning, she says to my dearest boyfriend "the potty is far away." You're right lil lady....and thankfully you had an adult who didn't mind carrying you there......3 times.

Love her.

Tick

As I'm talking to text I say, period....
Lil lady: Momma you sometimes have your period.
Me: Yes, that's true.
Lil lady: Everyone has a period.
Me: Boys do not have a period.
Lil lady: What do they have?
Me: *blink* *blink* Mood swings?!
Lil lady: No momma, boys have ticktickles (testicles).

And this friends, is how our conversations generally wind up, wind down, and make me wonder if the non-baby talking, shooting straight from the hip is really worth the struggle with defending our conversations with others or if its ultimately for pure entertainment....because it always always comes back in a littler voice with smaller words that I have to decipher.

Whatever your opinion, I enjoy it, whole heartedly. Love this gal with all my being and I'd like for her to hear it from me with correct information versus hearing it from someone who is feeding her a line of bullshit.

You know what I'm saying? Blue balls for instance. Negative ghost rider.

Puke buckets

Rewind to last weekend when lil lady had the pukes, again. A weekly plauge we've been elbows deep in.....since December 5th. UGH.

At any rate....she pukes on her polar bear jammies, the bed, the pillows, her favorite blanket, the comforter on the bed...on and on.....

Last night I finally brought said washed laundry from the basement and you'd think I was offering her buckets of confetti and parties chalk full of fun.

Instead, I simply offered her the non-puked blanket and non-puked jammies.

Lil lady...mommy! Whats on these?

Me: Nothing! I washed the puke off!

Lil lady....dances around holding blanket and jammies with a huge smile on her face.


I tell you what, if non-puked clothing/blankets brought me THAT much joy, I'd be one happy Fother Mucker every day of the wucking feek.

Pedi, mani, her and her daddy

Last week I treated lil lady to a pedicure and manicure...her first!

A petite asian woman pampered both of us and for some odd reason said lady and lil lady had many discussions. As if lil lady converses with barely english speaking folks....daily.

At times I could hardly understand what she was saying!

At any rate lets fast forward to last night when I was pushing our buggy around the grocery store.

Lil lady spots the only asian in the entire store "mommy!!! her painted my finga-neels."

Me, in all my attempt to keep laughing under wraps, I spin around thinking HEY maybe it really is the same lady. Absolutely not.

Without missing a beat, lil lady then says "AND THATS HER DADDY."

Back to that laughter under wraps bit....this man was as fair skinned as a German at Octoberfest. He stands at least 6 foot 4 inches tall and precisely 4 foot 4 inches taller than said asian lady.

Oh my goodness. This girl, she kills me.

Feed Bill

Naynuh has a dog, his name is Bill. He is one ass kicking away from swallowing his non-existent nut sack. The lil fucker does all sorts of sneaky shit then shakes and belly crawls when he knows hes about to get yelled at. Because spanking. It never works.

Yesterday, we grilled lil lady two chicken legs because chicken any other way, its "sccccchik-inn."

I digress. Whenever said dog is around it is lil ladys mission to feed him. Feed him ALL the things. Including her two chicken legs because mommy will feed me later, at bedtime, like always.

So Bill is enjoying his chicken legs, steak pieces, potatoes, graham crackers...basically anything little three year old arms can grab off plates and off the table until she grabs a large chunk of grilled onion from my plate, throws it on the ground for Bill to fetch and he doesn't.

He sniffs it and goes back to begging. And then said onion ends up on my plate. Nevermind the dirt/mud/shoe grime/and dog snot when he snubbed it.

Yep, just like that....my steak dinner is now complete with a bit more fiber and crunch.

At least she picked up after herself? At least she didn't put it in her mouth?

Yes, I'm still picking gravel from my crawl.

Of course

I can be unsure of my ability to parent, at times. It is nothing like I thought it would be yet everything I dreamed it would be, and more.

Last night was a melt down of epic masses.

Lil lady *screams at the top of her lungs* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Lil lady *reaches out to hit me*

Of course I look at her like her little head spun around and spewed split pea soup

Lil lady *breaks in a million pieces as her eyes spill tears from head to toe*

Of course I look at her again and wonder WTF just happened?

Lil lady gets her iPad time taken away and then resorts to begging me in the cutest, calmest, most pleasant tone.

Of course I look at her and calmly explain she cannot hit me and scream and whine if she wants to enjoy her iPad.

Lil lady begs to use my phone.....cue kindest tones here.

Of course I deny and inform her we can start again tomorrow.

Lil lady *breaks those million pieces to an additional million pieces and tears are now producing more tears*

Of course I swallow, hard. And continue to swallow, hard. Because OF COURSE I feel like in this moment, I'm failing at parenting.

Lil lady reaches out for me to cover her up, but only to her arms and only the penquin blanket and cuddles as deep in my chest as she can and touches "mommies tiny lil baby boobies in my home" as she drifts off to sleep.

Of course I lay and wonder....what could I have done differently? And 12 hours later.......I still don't know. I don't know if I am her soft place to land and because she can't express (in words) that she feels confused with daddy and mommy no longer living together or now that mommy lives with a very good person. Whatever the case is, I know one thing, and one thing only....

OF COURSE I'M A GOOD MOM.

Lil lady rolls over and gets comfortable in the middle of the bed, per usual.

Of course I search for very good person and he reassures me I am doing it right, that I am a strong person, and ensures me that we will continue to carpe the fuck out of the diems, together.

Because sometimes we all lose our shit and expect others to just FUCKING UNDERSTAND ALREADY.

Period.

Once lil lady saw I had my period, she now assumes everytime I potty, I have my period.

This weekends lovely question as she pulls my panties down my thighs, knees, and to my kankles: 'mommy, you got your period?'

Nope. But, come back in 21 days and I'll have it.

The fbombdiggity

Currently we've learned how to finish mommys sentences for her.
Mommy: 'WHAT THE'............
Lil sass: 'FUCK'
Naynuh and Mommys boyfriend: *blink* *blink*
All four of us: full belly laugh.

Apparently a 3 year old saying fuck in my house is acceptable and there are zero consequences.

Parenting. #FTW

Fleek

My eyebrows are on fleek.

Chicken nunnets are on fleek.

Holding

Mommy can I old eww?

Yep! After you stop crying about nothing.

Or is it something? Is her left foot getting ready to fall off? Is her right breast mutating in a way only she can feel? Are the noodles she ate 3 weeks ago still swimming around in her tummy?

What IS she crying about?

I need a ban-dang for my bleed, it's my ouchie, you wanna see it?

Lil babies

Oh mommy these are lil boobies (last week).

This week oh mommy these are lil tiny baby boobies.

So glad someone else can categorize my exact size.

:)

Bed buddies

Lil one sleeps with me. Has since day one. Well, with the exception of a few short hours here and there when I let her sleep in the swing or the vibrating bouncy seat. I digress.

Last night it took all of 14-21 minutes for her to fall asleep and she refuses to sleep unless my arm is under her neck. I'LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT IF YOU'LL FALL ASLEEP. Not really.

Digressing....

I started to move away so I could get breakfast and lunches made for today. I think I'm free and clear and she says with eyes shut...mommy I want your arm.............now. I comply. As usual.

3 minutes later I try the same escape tactic.....IT WORKED.

Along comes 3am when she is wide awake, sitting up talking to me, walks down the stairs to find her water bottle that is EMPTY and starts screaming like we've got an unexpected stranger in our house.

My butthole puckers as she rounds the corner (scream getting louder) and all I can hear is MOMMY GET UP, ITS EMPTYYYYYYYYY ITS EMPTYYYYY.

For the love of hairy balls child, chill the fuck out.

I get up, I fill said water bottle, and all is right in the world.

Reminder to self: never allow the iPad to shut off and never allow the water bottle to be empty at 3am. Oh and....your butthole...it's still puckered.

Holding

"Mommy I wanna hold you......................down."

You no touch

Lil lady is bathing....and I see her doing what I think is.....itching her butt.

Insert turd in Lil ladies hand and she hands it to me.

Without a second thought I grab said turd and realize ITS A FUCKING TURD.

I toss it in the toilet and wash my hands.....like it's nothing.


Let us go about our regularly scheduled business for the next couple days when I blow my nose in a tissue and ask her to throw it away.

You'd think I was asking her to touch MY FUCKING TURD.

Very matter of factly she says "you gross, you no touch me"

And just like that, I was schooled by a 2 year old.

FU alarm

*Alarm sounds*

Lil lady reaches over, without opening eyes or missing a beat and says

NO! YOU KNOCK THAT OFF.

Rolls over and nuzzles my neck like nothing ever happened.

Ballet uh-gogo

Lil lady is uber excited about her ballet garb mommy just spent a bag-o-dicks on.

*Driving down city street, get into left turn lane to enter highway on ramp*

*Enter ramp and Lil lady loses her shit*

NO MOMMY NOT THAT WAY NOT THAT WAY

Uhm, what the fuck - I think to myself.

Oh baby, what is wrong - what I really ask.

I no wanna go on dis wey. No mommy dun go dis weyyyyyyy *tears, snot* *snot,tear*

This, is exactly how shit goes. It's rainbows and butterfiles and quickly turns to fire and dickfacing.