10/18/16 @ 4p Day 1 - Met Coach SwimJim. I weigh in at 206 lbs. We reviewed/practiced 11 items in one session. He is proud of me, cheers me on, and high fives me to continue to strive for my breathing, strokes, and kicks to fall in sync. I was completely unprepared. I forgot towels, my paperwork, my payment, and was very nervous. It went without a hitch.
10/19/16 @ 630a Day 2 - Got up, drove to the pool, and had a successful solo practice. 6 total down and back laps with the kick board. Down on my stomach, up on my back practicing my breathing. Emailed Coach SwimJim who says he is proud of me and to relax...that all my rhythms will fall into place.
Thursday, October 20, 2016
Tuesday, August 9, 2016
Mr. Coffee
July 28th - coffee/walk
August 3rd - coffee/sit
August 6th - Chiefs training camp FAIL LOL/Body Worlds
August 10th - coffee/walk or sit
Christopher Zweiner, a 43 year old man whom I met via #LiveALittle after his nasty breakup with his girlfriend. He is swimming in the sea of doubt and confusion. I asked him to coffee talk/walk and he agreed. The conversation was a bit forced as both of us were nervous to meet for the first time (7/28) and upon leaving for the day I asked him if he would like to have coffee again, to which he agreed and so we met again on August 3rd. This time a little more in depth conversation about kids, school, and a bit about politics since I had voted prior to our second meeting. The sparks aren't flying and I am truly not totally concerned. I've noticed I don't have an overwhelming amount of butterflies in my guts. There is a little movement here and there, and I notice the difference between he and the place holder prior, doing my best not to weigh one against another.
At some point during our FB messenger messages I noticed an old college professor attending the Chiefs Training Camp at St. Joe (1.5 hours from Topeka) so after a couple of chuckles, we mutually agreed to go together and Christopher will drive. I offered gas money to compensate for his driving us.
After many questions and answers, answers and questions, we met up at Gage Park on 8/6 just before 1pm. He picked me up after I made him one dozen chocolate chip cookies and we were off. He didn't open the door for me which I found odd, but again, to stack him against the prior placeholder is a disservice to him and myself. So I got in, sat down with both drinks and thanked him for picking me up. The conversation went seemingly well the entire drive to a non-existent Training Camp. After we laughed, he checked the schedule, and we laughed some more, we headed to Body Worlds at Union Station in Kansas City (1 hour away from St. Joe) (I paid $8 for parking). We get there and the conversation continues, it is easy come, easy go. The older man in the Hawaiian shirt who held Christophers hand and talked Cardinals with him was such a delight. We still joked about it earlier this week. I said next time I talk to him I will be sure to dress in a green/white Hawaiian shirt, carry a cane, and hold his hand the entire time we talk. His response "that would be cute." So my funny. The exhibit took about $24 (each paid our own way) and about 90 minutes to complete. Each of us asking the other if they had seen what we saw, what they thought about it and then came the jokes of how many penis' were on display. Every corner turned, another penis was there and waiting to be viewed. We talked about cross country, college, sports, and the exhibit on the way home. Upon returning to Topeka (I paid toll $3) I thanked him again for a fun day and as we passed through the toll booth he handed me my change from the $10 bill I handed him to pay toll and as I placed the $7 back in my wallet I pulled out a $20 bill and put it in his cup holder and said "this is for gas" to which he replied oh you don't have to do that. Which I said yes I do, you drove all that way, its the least I can do. So once we got back to my parked car he thanked me for the cookies and a great day. I got in my car and drove to moms....she wanted to hear all about it.
A conversation had at least 2 or 3 times is that he does in no way ever want to change another diaper. So I asked him about this on messenger....I prefaced my question with "may I ask you something very personal" and his response is "sure" and I mentioned him not wanting anymore children and had he taken measures or gotten a vasectomy to ensure he didn't have more children. To which he replied yes. He got it shortly after he and his now ex-wife discovered they were pregnant with child number four. This is both a blessing and a curse for me. I have a small, albeit very small 2% part of me that isn't sure I never want to be pregnant/have another baby. I must remain true to myself when I said yes, I am being selfish but also keeping my desires known. Can I forgo pregnancy to simply be a mother again? I am sure of it. Never changing another diaper, ever? Can't say I am 100% in agreement with him. I am back to square one, as it is sometimes called where I am the younger of the two and my desire to have children may be a bit stronger than the other player of the game. So I will address this in future conversation(s) so that my heart is not worn in secret yet worn on my sleeve and well known.
For the future, up to and including tomorrows coffee talk/walk - I will say "hypothetically speaking" if we "mutually agreed" to continue to see one another on a regular basis, are sidelines seats at the KU Football game on October 22nd a deal breaker? What about section 6, 3rd row? Section 6, 12th row? Field goal area? And show him the print out to specify seating options.
I mean, if we're going to see on another on a regular basis...I might as well go for the gusto. You only have a birthday once a year and as a mutually engaged friend, I will see to it that you are recognized on your born day and celebrated as soon there after.
This feels good. Including the voice text I received today that surprisingly didn't catch me off guard nor make me mourn the loss.
August 3rd - coffee/sit
August 6th - Chiefs training camp FAIL LOL/Body Worlds
August 10th - coffee/walk or sit
Christopher Zweiner, a 43 year old man whom I met via #LiveALittle after his nasty breakup with his girlfriend. He is swimming in the sea of doubt and confusion. I asked him to coffee talk/walk and he agreed. The conversation was a bit forced as both of us were nervous to meet for the first time (7/28) and upon leaving for the day I asked him if he would like to have coffee again, to which he agreed and so we met again on August 3rd. This time a little more in depth conversation about kids, school, and a bit about politics since I had voted prior to our second meeting. The sparks aren't flying and I am truly not totally concerned. I've noticed I don't have an overwhelming amount of butterflies in my guts. There is a little movement here and there, and I notice the difference between he and the place holder prior, doing my best not to weigh one against another.
At some point during our FB messenger messages I noticed an old college professor attending the Chiefs Training Camp at St. Joe (1.5 hours from Topeka) so after a couple of chuckles, we mutually agreed to go together and Christopher will drive. I offered gas money to compensate for his driving us.
After many questions and answers, answers and questions, we met up at Gage Park on 8/6 just before 1pm. He picked me up after I made him one dozen chocolate chip cookies and we were off. He didn't open the door for me which I found odd, but again, to stack him against the prior placeholder is a disservice to him and myself. So I got in, sat down with both drinks and thanked him for picking me up. The conversation went seemingly well the entire drive to a non-existent Training Camp. After we laughed, he checked the schedule, and we laughed some more, we headed to Body Worlds at Union Station in Kansas City (1 hour away from St. Joe) (I paid $8 for parking). We get there and the conversation continues, it is easy come, easy go. The older man in the Hawaiian shirt who held Christophers hand and talked Cardinals with him was such a delight. We still joked about it earlier this week. I said next time I talk to him I will be sure to dress in a green/white Hawaiian shirt, carry a cane, and hold his hand the entire time we talk. His response "that would be cute." So my funny. The exhibit took about $24 (each paid our own way) and about 90 minutes to complete. Each of us asking the other if they had seen what we saw, what they thought about it and then came the jokes of how many penis' were on display. Every corner turned, another penis was there and waiting to be viewed. We talked about cross country, college, sports, and the exhibit on the way home. Upon returning to Topeka (I paid toll $3) I thanked him again for a fun day and as we passed through the toll booth he handed me my change from the $10 bill I handed him to pay toll and as I placed the $7 back in my wallet I pulled out a $20 bill and put it in his cup holder and said "this is for gas" to which he replied oh you don't have to do that. Which I said yes I do, you drove all that way, its the least I can do. So once we got back to my parked car he thanked me for the cookies and a great day. I got in my car and drove to moms....she wanted to hear all about it.
A conversation had at least 2 or 3 times is that he does in no way ever want to change another diaper. So I asked him about this on messenger....I prefaced my question with "may I ask you something very personal" and his response is "sure" and I mentioned him not wanting anymore children and had he taken measures or gotten a vasectomy to ensure he didn't have more children. To which he replied yes. He got it shortly after he and his now ex-wife discovered they were pregnant with child number four. This is both a blessing and a curse for me. I have a small, albeit very small 2% part of me that isn't sure I never want to be pregnant/have another baby. I must remain true to myself when I said yes, I am being selfish but also keeping my desires known. Can I forgo pregnancy to simply be a mother again? I am sure of it. Never changing another diaper, ever? Can't say I am 100% in agreement with him. I am back to square one, as it is sometimes called where I am the younger of the two and my desire to have children may be a bit stronger than the other player of the game. So I will address this in future conversation(s) so that my heart is not worn in secret yet worn on my sleeve and well known.
For the future, up to and including tomorrows coffee talk/walk - I will say "hypothetically speaking" if we "mutually agreed" to continue to see one another on a regular basis, are sidelines seats at the KU Football game on October 22nd a deal breaker? What about section 6, 3rd row? Section 6, 12th row? Field goal area? And show him the print out to specify seating options.
I mean, if we're going to see on another on a regular basis...I might as well go for the gusto. You only have a birthday once a year and as a mutually engaged friend, I will see to it that you are recognized on your born day and celebrated as soon there after.
This feels good. Including the voice text I received today that surprisingly didn't catch me off guard nor make me mourn the loss.
2 losses, a fasting, and a gentle understanding
After reading this article on Mind, Body, Green: http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-26076/this-is-what-happened-when-i-quit-social-media-for-a-week.html
I've decided to take a FaceBook fasting, of sorts. Along with this, I've decided to decrease my intake of coffee to once a week and increase my water intake as much as I can stand it. Shedding the weight of the world to get comfortable in my own skin, again. Not only do I carry the weight of a mountain when all I was ordered to do was climb over it, I carry the concern for so many around me. Being an empathy has its advantages and its disadvantages, for sure. I wouldn't change it for the increased price of rice in China. I've yet to describe what it feels like to simply walk by someone and feel the weight of their shoulders briefly on mine.
With the weight I carry for others, I've decided to give myself a break and attempt to determine if I am worth another shot at finding my other whole person to attempt to do life with. Jeremy said many moons ago that we were done, yet I've milked it for all its worth and felt the finality some 2-3 weeks ago. I can't have him. He is not available to me. Neither physically nor mentally nor emotionally and at this point his friendship is also not available to me. The boys, they'll continually carry a soft spot in my heart and I will honor them at a distance. I do not know how to navigate these waters but I am attempting to do just that. I have moments of doubt and sorrow. I also have moments of clarity and those are few and far between but increasing with a sense of peace.
Along with my FaceBook fasting, I've limited myself to Intagram and Pinterest. A stronger focus at work is my next item that needs adjusting. Most days I feel this entire program could function without me in their way. I haven't always felt like this, it came some in the week of May 23rd through June 3rd, 2016. My pop pops took his last breath there on May 23rd and I cried and mourned in Jeremys lap. He held me and was gentle with me. He was there for the funeral and surrounded my family in support and understanding. He wrapped us in a love only he can provide. And then he vanished, essentially. Not literally, but most figuratively. As his bankruptcy neared, so did his doom and gloom. His non-necessity to my life diminished. His happiness is his own. Mine, is my own to polish.
I've decided to take a FaceBook fasting, of sorts. Along with this, I've decided to decrease my intake of coffee to once a week and increase my water intake as much as I can stand it. Shedding the weight of the world to get comfortable in my own skin, again. Not only do I carry the weight of a mountain when all I was ordered to do was climb over it, I carry the concern for so many around me. Being an empathy has its advantages and its disadvantages, for sure. I wouldn't change it for the increased price of rice in China. I've yet to describe what it feels like to simply walk by someone and feel the weight of their shoulders briefly on mine.
With the weight I carry for others, I've decided to give myself a break and attempt to determine if I am worth another shot at finding my other whole person to attempt to do life with. Jeremy said many moons ago that we were done, yet I've milked it for all its worth and felt the finality some 2-3 weeks ago. I can't have him. He is not available to me. Neither physically nor mentally nor emotionally and at this point his friendship is also not available to me. The boys, they'll continually carry a soft spot in my heart and I will honor them at a distance. I do not know how to navigate these waters but I am attempting to do just that. I have moments of doubt and sorrow. I also have moments of clarity and those are few and far between but increasing with a sense of peace.
Along with my FaceBook fasting, I've limited myself to Intagram and Pinterest. A stronger focus at work is my next item that needs adjusting. Most days I feel this entire program could function without me in their way. I haven't always felt like this, it came some in the week of May 23rd through June 3rd, 2016. My pop pops took his last breath there on May 23rd and I cried and mourned in Jeremys lap. He held me and was gentle with me. He was there for the funeral and surrounded my family in support and understanding. He wrapped us in a love only he can provide. And then he vanished, essentially. Not literally, but most figuratively. As his bankruptcy neared, so did his doom and gloom. His non-necessity to my life diminished. His happiness is his own. Mine, is my own to polish.
Friday, July 1, 2016
5/23/16
5:46 p.m. my text to Jayme "He's gone Jayme." My next text in the same minute is "I held his hand through his last breath."
7/1/16
9 a.m. and he is on my mind.
6/30/16
6:15 p.m. Gb, mom, and I stopped at the gravesite and had to tidy a bit. That's who we are. The dirt remains fresh and the cemetery has placed about 3 pounds of grass seed on the soil. Gb left a yellow lizard there for him. Mom recently brought flowers by. And I, I picked up a clear rock laying directly between his burial ground and Grandma Genevieve Elizabeth Phinney. That rock, was for me. It was meant for me to see, for me to recognize, and for me to hold with me. So I do. So I did. And it will ride in my car until I find something better to do with it.
What is my normal now? What do I do to get there? Place other priorities in place of my grandpa?
So confused.
5:46 p.m. my text to Jayme "He's gone Jayme." My next text in the same minute is "I held his hand through his last breath."
7/1/16
9 a.m. and he is on my mind.
6/30/16
6:15 p.m. Gb, mom, and I stopped at the gravesite and had to tidy a bit. That's who we are. The dirt remains fresh and the cemetery has placed about 3 pounds of grass seed on the soil. Gb left a yellow lizard there for him. Mom recently brought flowers by. And I, I picked up a clear rock laying directly between his burial ground and Grandma Genevieve Elizabeth Phinney. That rock, was for me. It was meant for me to see, for me to recognize, and for me to hold with me. So I do. So I did. And it will ride in my car until I find something better to do with it.
What is my normal now? What do I do to get there? Place other priorities in place of my grandpa?
So confused.
This was originally saved on 12/2/15.
How do I stop this argument in such a way that honors both my Jeremy and me and also strengthens our relationship?
When you reframe the question, you start to get at the heart of what you really, really want.
By getting really, really clear on what the intent is. We do this by asking ourselves, "What do I really want? For myself? For the other person? For the relationship?" The challenge with this question is most of the time our first answer is the wrong answer. We are quick to jump in with what we really want right now. It may be to win, to save face, to be right, to have our mother tell us we are right and of course we can have Christmas dinner at our house. But if you stop there, you will likely miss what it is you really want, because after all, this isn’t about Christmas.
Over the years, I have trained myself to ask the question four or five times before I settle into an answer. The internal dialogue might go something like this:
Me: “Okay, what do I really want here?”
Mini Me: “I want this argument to stop. I want to enjoy the holiday and I want my mom to recognize that it is not just about her. I am trying to balance a lot of demands.”
Me: “And why do you want that? Why is that important to you?”
Mini Me: “Because I need my mom to recognize that I have a family too and it can’t just be about her tradition and her view of what should happen.”
Me: “And why can’t it?”
Mini Me: “Because I am an adult and a mother too. I need my mom to see me as such so that we can have a meaningful relationship. I love her and I want to meet her needs. I also want her to recognize that I have grown up and that families change over time. I want to relate to her as an adult, not just as her child.”
Asking yourself, “What do I really want?” is a great start but it may not be enough. You may need to ask yourself several times to get clear on what you want and what the core issue is for you.
Related to starting with heart and asking what we really want, for ourselves, for the other person, and for the relationship, is the concept of Mutual Purpose. Again, in Crucial Conversations, we teach creating Mutual Purpose as a skill to increase the level of psychological safety within the dialogue so you can discuss any content. And, because all relationships at their heart are built by a series of conversations over time, sometimes Mutual Purpose becomes much more than a safety skill—it becomes the entire dialogue.
Creating Mutual Purpose starts by understanding what purpose we are bringing to the dialogue. In this case, we have already done that heavy lifting as we dug deep into our heart to find out what we really wanted. I really want a relationship with my mom that reflects my adulthood. I don’t want to stay stagnant in a parent-child dynamic I have outgrown.
Once we understand what purpose we are bringing, we need to understand the purpose the other person brings. What is it that my mother wants? Here again, the key will be to dig deep and not accept a surface-level answer. Human beings act in both predictable and unpredictable ways for one reason—we are trying to have our needs met. Those needs may be physical, financial, emotional, spiritual, or something else entirely. But ultimately, we are driven to act in order to meet a perceived need. So, another way of asking what your mother wants or what her purpose is, is to ask, “What need is my mother trying to meet by acting in this way? What need is met by hosting a traditional family Christmas dinner at her home?”
My guess is that you already have a pretty good idea of the answer. After all, you have known your mother all your life and have likely developed some insight about her. Think about your answer to that question of what needs your mother is trying to meet for herself by requiring everyone to show up for Christmas dinner. Got it in your head? Good. Now write it down. Done that? Good. Now tear it up and throw it away. Seriously. Don’t guess what your mother needs. Ask her. Ask her a couple of times in a couple of ways. Probe with curiosity, validation, and sensitivity. Really try to understand. So often we jump into a dialogue around purpose assuming we know (or have a pretty good guess) what the other person’s purpose is. We may be right. We may be wrong. It doesn’t matter. Either way, we will have done a disservice to him or her and to the dialogue by making the assumption.
If you want your mother to treat you as an adult, treat her like one by actively trying to understand what lies deep in her heart. What you find may surprise you. And, it will also give you the beginnings of a way forward. Once you understand her need, you can begin to see her actions within the context of that need. It doesn't mean you will agree with those actions and it doesn’t mean that you will be eating Christmas dinner at her house or even that she will be eating it at your house. But what it does mean is that you can start to explore ideas and options to meet both of your needs.
How do I stop this argument in such a way that honors both my Jeremy and me and also strengthens our relationship?
When you reframe the question, you start to get at the heart of what you really, really want.
By getting really, really clear on what the intent is. We do this by asking ourselves, "What do I really want? For myself? For the other person? For the relationship?" The challenge with this question is most of the time our first answer is the wrong answer. We are quick to jump in with what we really want right now. It may be to win, to save face, to be right, to have our mother tell us we are right and of course we can have Christmas dinner at our house. But if you stop there, you will likely miss what it is you really want, because after all, this isn’t about Christmas.
Over the years, I have trained myself to ask the question four or five times before I settle into an answer. The internal dialogue might go something like this:
Me: “Okay, what do I really want here?”
Mini Me: “I want this argument to stop. I want to enjoy the holiday and I want my mom to recognize that it is not just about her. I am trying to balance a lot of demands.”
Me: “And why do you want that? Why is that important to you?”
Mini Me: “Because I need my mom to recognize that I have a family too and it can’t just be about her tradition and her view of what should happen.”
Me: “And why can’t it?”
Mini Me: “Because I am an adult and a mother too. I need my mom to see me as such so that we can have a meaningful relationship. I love her and I want to meet her needs. I also want her to recognize that I have grown up and that families change over time. I want to relate to her as an adult, not just as her child.”
Asking yourself, “What do I really want?” is a great start but it may not be enough. You may need to ask yourself several times to get clear on what you want and what the core issue is for you.
Related to starting with heart and asking what we really want, for ourselves, for the other person, and for the relationship, is the concept of Mutual Purpose. Again, in Crucial Conversations, we teach creating Mutual Purpose as a skill to increase the level of psychological safety within the dialogue so you can discuss any content. And, because all relationships at their heart are built by a series of conversations over time, sometimes Mutual Purpose becomes much more than a safety skill—it becomes the entire dialogue.
Creating Mutual Purpose starts by understanding what purpose we are bringing to the dialogue. In this case, we have already done that heavy lifting as we dug deep into our heart to find out what we really wanted. I really want a relationship with my mom that reflects my adulthood. I don’t want to stay stagnant in a parent-child dynamic I have outgrown.
Once we understand what purpose we are bringing, we need to understand the purpose the other person brings. What is it that my mother wants? Here again, the key will be to dig deep and not accept a surface-level answer. Human beings act in both predictable and unpredictable ways for one reason—we are trying to have our needs met. Those needs may be physical, financial, emotional, spiritual, or something else entirely. But ultimately, we are driven to act in order to meet a perceived need. So, another way of asking what your mother wants or what her purpose is, is to ask, “What need is my mother trying to meet by acting in this way? What need is met by hosting a traditional family Christmas dinner at her home?”
My guess is that you already have a pretty good idea of the answer. After all, you have known your mother all your life and have likely developed some insight about her. Think about your answer to that question of what needs your mother is trying to meet for herself by requiring everyone to show up for Christmas dinner. Got it in your head? Good. Now write it down. Done that? Good. Now tear it up and throw it away. Seriously. Don’t guess what your mother needs. Ask her. Ask her a couple of times in a couple of ways. Probe with curiosity, validation, and sensitivity. Really try to understand. So often we jump into a dialogue around purpose assuming we know (or have a pretty good guess) what the other person’s purpose is. We may be right. We may be wrong. It doesn’t matter. Either way, we will have done a disservice to him or her and to the dialogue by making the assumption.
If you want your mother to treat you as an adult, treat her like one by actively trying to understand what lies deep in her heart. What you find may surprise you. And, it will also give you the beginnings of a way forward. Once you understand her need, you can begin to see her actions within the context of that need. It doesn't mean you will agree with those actions and it doesn’t mean that you will be eating Christmas dinner at her house or even that she will be eating it at your house. But what it does mean is that you can start to explore ideas and options to meet both of your needs.
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
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